Remember Me as a Time of Day

Josef Updates, Mindless blather

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Well, it has been quite some time since updating this portion of the site. Frankly, I’ve run out of steam since the previous posts to keep up with this. Maybe it is just the time of year, or maybe it is the current state of my social relationships, but man, this has been a rough row of it as of late. I am happy that I’m finally able to part of some fun projects because of like minded individuals that are open to many things rather than only dealing with the local picky client who doesn’t feel like they should pay a lot but still would like everything and the kitchen sink. It has been refreshing as I’ve honestly thought about giving up on my trade many, many times in the past two to three years.

I’ve made an effort to force myself to keep doing illustrations even if my brain and heart aren’t into it. It helps some times, but other times it just adds to the second guessing of myself. Maybe it’s a midlife or three quarters life crisis, but I find myself in territory that I’ve never been in. As some of you might now if you’ve spent anytime with me or have stumbled through this portion of the site, seven years ago I lost both of my parents in a very short amount of time. Since this time I’ve been pushed to the brink numerous times and have returned numerous times. I’ve cried more in these past seven years than I ever have before and continue to find myself in sad scenarios. I’m coming up on two years since I went to an actual doctor to discover that I was pretty close to a diabetic coma and have been dealing with the fall out ever since. I now walk with a cane and find myself being more of an elderly person than the little blue haired ladies who pass me with their shopping carts at the store. When my parents were around I spoke with them via telephone on a very regular basis, specifically with my mother. Yes, that is correct I was a mama’s boy and pretty proud of it. We could drag each other out of most of the holes we found ourselves in, that was until towards the end where my mom became so sick and communication was very hard. Since losing her, I found myself losing it in front of various friends and relatives and this only confirmed that there will never ever be another person whom I connect with like I did with my mother. My poor wife has to try to shoulder a lot of my grief and natural depressive tendencies, but I don’t expect her to deal with it as she has her own fish to fry.

Well this has been a great blog entry, right? I guess why I’m typing up my thinks for the evening is that I just can’t seem to shake this clenched gut wrenched feeling that I’ve had since two winters ago. I’m hopeful that the amount of illustrative work will finally pick me up, but with the dreaded holiday season, I can really only see venomous situations playing out and the gut wrench only getting tighter. I know that I’ll never grasp the stereotypical “men don’t cry” attitude, but I just hope I can make it through the next month or two without losing it. On that note, Happy Holidays and until the next time, COURAGE.